How to Talk to Your Children or Grandchildren about Your Partner’s Stroke, Even if You Aren’t Sure You Should

Talking to kids about a loved one’s stroke is complicated.

You don’t want to worry them unnecessarily. At the same time, you do want to prepare them…but prepare them for what? Chances are if your partner has recently had a stroke, the future feels very uncertain.

Maybe you’re thinking it’s best to not say anything about the stroke until it’s necessary.

I can understand why.

You are emotionally and physically exhausted. You may feel so fatigued, worried, and deflated that you don’t even know what to say. Of course, what if things turn out OK? Why put the children through the agony of worrying if it’s all going to be alright?

Should I tell my children or grandchildren about my partners stroke?

But there are 3 important reasons that you should tell your children and grandchildren about your partner’s stroke.

• The child will recognize that something is ‘off’. Even young children will notice the changes in schedules. They will recognize the shift in everyone’s mood and emotional reactivity. If you don’t give them an explanation, they may imagine scenarios much worse than what is actually happening.
• Positive growth from change or loss happens when we assume responsibility and help others in our family heal. This is true for children as well. Denying a child information about what is happening is denying them this chance to grow and change with the rest of the family.
• Your partner may not recover, and may ultimately die. If you have not prepared the child for this, you risk losing their trust at this critical time.

Keep reading to learn what to say, and other helpful tips, that will make it easier to talk to your kids and grand-kids about stroke.

How to talk to your children or grandchildren about your partner’s stroke

There are some important points to remember as you begin to talk to the child about what has happened.

It is possible to give children accurate but developmentally appropriate information about stroke

For very young children, it may be enough to say:

“Grandma is sick with something called a stroke. She is at the hospital and the doctors there are doing their best to keep her healthy. We trust that they will do their best, and we hope that she will be fine. But we also know that the stroke is very serious, and she may die. I have had lots of questions since I learned that Grandma had a stroke. What questions to do you have?”

What’s good about this explanation is that you do not express your hope as fact. This is something we often do when we are anxious about another person’s health.

We will say to ourselves and our family members that “She will be fine.” Statements like these bring us comfort, though we recognize that they are not necessarily accurate.

Young children understand language more concretely, and will not recognize this difference. That’s why I recommend talking about what you hope will happen, but also being truthful in stating what else may happen.

It’s also beneficial to invite the child to ask questions

Especially young children are likely to ask questions related to ‘the 4 C’s’

• Can I catch it?
• Did I cause it?
• Could I have cured it?
• Who will care for me?

Here are some possible answers you could offer to any of these questions:

Can I catch it? Stroke is not like a cold; you can’t catch it from spending time with someone who has it. It’s something that happens because of changes inside your body. It’s usually older people, and not kids, who get stroke. But stroke can happen to anyone, and that’s why it’s important that we all know the signs of a stroke.

Older children may enjoy this video which explains what a stroke is and how to recognize if someone is having a stroke.

Did I cause it? No. No one caused the stroke, it happened because a tube in Grandma’s brain got clogged. It didn’t happen because of anything that anyone did.

Could I have cured it? No one except a doctor can stop the stroke from happening. That’s why it was important to get Grandma to the hospital as soon as possible.

Who will care for me? This may be a difficult question to answer in the immediate aftermath of a stroke. Take care not to promise outcomes that you aren’t sure will happen. Rather than make predictions about the future, it may be easier to talk about the child’s immediate care.

You might say “Tonight I will take you to your house and give you a bath. I will stay with you while you sleep, and tomorrow I will drop you off at daycare.”

If a child asks a question that you don’t know the answer to, it’s OK to say “That’s a good question. I don’t know the answer right now.”

Other tips for helping children understand a loved one’s stroke

Allowing a child to be helpful is one of the best things to do during this confusing and overwhelming time.

• Young children can draw a picture or read to your partner from a favorite book.
• Tween children can help pack hospital bags or do extra household chores (feeding pets, folding laundry, etc.).
• Older teens can prepare meals or research helpful information on the internet.

No matter their age, children want to feel helpful during times of family crisis. Giving them specific tasks to complete will help them to feel confident and competent. This is especially helpful when a medical crisis occurs in the family, as this can cause children to feel that they have little or no control over their world.

Increase affection and quality time, minimize negative external stimuli.

It will likely help both you and your child to intentionally increase the amount of quality time you spend together in the immediate aftermath of the stroke. Coloring or reading together, playing a card game, watching a favorite movie, or going for a walk are all positive activities that will help you both to feel more secure.

It may also be helpful to minimize the amount of negative external stimuli that you expose both yourself and the child to during this time. Put away your phone, turn off the news, and enjoy simply being together.

Allow the child to see you upset

Sadness and worry are normal but uncomfortable feelings when your loved one has had stroke.

Many people think that we shouldn’t display these uncomfortable feelings around children, so that we don’t risk upsetting them.

But, when we hide our true feelings from children in our family, we lose out on a valuable opportunity to show them that it’s OK to have powerful feelings. When we allow children to see us cry, or otherwise show that we’re upset, they see that their own big, uncomfortable feelings aren’t wrong. This is validating for you and the child, and can help you both to feel better.

Helpful tips for talking with your children or grandchildren about your partner’s stroke after the critical care phase

As your partner progresses through the immediate critical care phase, you begin to live in ‘the new normal’.

It’s in this phase that I often meet for counseling with caregivers whose loved one has had a stroke.

In therapy, these caregivers may describe that it’s like their partner is dead. Or they will say they feel like they are living with a stranger.

Counseling is a supportive and validating environment where it is OK to unburden yourself and share these understandable feelings. A therapist will not chastise or judge you for feeling and saying these things.

But I do encourage you to not use these phrases around the children in your family. While you should talk about your sadness, and tell your children and grandchildren that it’s OK for them to be sad too, phrases like these are likely to be interpreted literally and misunderstood by children.

The power of ‘yet’ and ‘now’

I encourage families to avoid using the word ‘can’t’. When you say that your loved one ‘can’t’ do something, it makes it sound like a permanent state.

But, we know that many things can change, dramatically and quickly, as a person recovers from stroke.

Rather than setting a limit on what your partner can accomplish, use the words ‘yet’ and ‘now’ to reflect their current losses or abilities. This can help the children in the family to understand that rehabilitation is an ongoing, fluid process.

This might sound like:

“Mom isn’t driving yet, but she is learning about what she needs to do to start driving again.”

or

“Dad’s having a hard time cutting food with a knife now. But, every day that he practices helps him get better at it.”

Prepare your child or grandchild for possible changes after stroke

Your partner may have dramatic changes in their physical appearance, their abilities, and their mood.

Prepare your child or grandchild for what they will see and hear after a stroke. Invite them to ask questions and even try out new assistive devices. Many children love getting to go for a spin in a wheelchair, or trying walking with a cane. Make it clear that these are helpful tools, and not burdens.

Discuss with children, especially older children, how their parent or grandparent may act or speak differently because of the stroke. Give children the tools to communicate effectively, either through pictures or writing, with your partner. Older children may feel uncomfortable talking, and may appreciate having some conversation prompts. Or, it may help to ask them to read a news story of interest to your loved one, so that they don’t feel pressure to initiate and maintain conversation.

Encourage your children or grandchildren to be stroke ambassadors

When they are assigned a school project, encourage them to use the opportunity to learn more and to teach their classmates about stroke.

See how stroke education can be incorporated into their extracurricular activities. I work closely with the Triangle Aphasia Project. They offer wonderful education about stroke and aphasia to scouting troops and other youth groups.

Summary

Many people struggle with whether they should tell their child or grandchild about a partner’s stroke. Even if they want to, they are often unsure what to say. When talking with a child about a loved one’s stroke, it’s important to:

• Keep explanations accurate but developmentally appropriate
• Be clear in distinguishing between what you hope will happen and what else may happen
• Allow children to take an active, helpful role in your family’s healing

I sincerely hope that this has been a helpful read as you consider how to talk to the children in your family about your loved one’s stroke.

If you have found this helpful, please use the social buttons to share it with others.

Keep reading

Other posts you may be interested in