When I first envisioned writing a whole post series about relationships for couples raising kid with special needs, I knew that I wanted to recommend the book ‘ScreamFree Marriage’ as part of the series.

When I do couples counseling with partners raising kids with special needs, I inevitably wind up recommending this book.

So began to write about why I love this book for special needs parents who want to strengthen their relationship. But my mind kept wandering to all of the other great books for couples raising kids with special needs. Long story short, what was originally supposed to be a post about one book now features four!

These are not books about parenting. And in fact, none of these books were written expressly for couples raising kids with disabilities. These are relationship building books. Each has a slightly different focus and theory on why relationships work and what to do when they stop working.

I hope you’ll find something here that sounds like it would be a good fit for you and your partner. I’d love to hear from you if you’ve read one of these books; leave a comment and let me know if you found it helpful!

ScreamFree Marriage: Calming Down, Growing Up, and Getting Closer by Hal and Jenny Runkel

What’s great:

The title of this one is a bit of a misnomer. This isn’t just a book for couples who scream at each other!

I especially love this book for couples raising kids with disabilities because the focus is very much on taking personal responsibility. This book will encourage you to recognize what you can control, and to accept what you can’t.

Just as you cannot choose or control your child’s abilities, you cannot choose or change your partner’s behavior. You can only decide how you will react to it.

I see so many parents trying to be the anchor for everyone. They feel responsible for how their spouse, their kids with disabilities, their other children, their own parents, their boss, and everyone else are feeling, that they don’t realize they are drowning.

This book gives them the wake up call to realize the behavior patterns they’re in. It offers practical ways that they can disengage from the negative and destructive patterns. This book suggests how couples can move forward together in calm, mature, loving ways.

What you might not love:

Some people find the exercises in this book a little more challenging than those in typical marriage strengthening books. When you consider that this book’s focus is more on taking personal responsibility than on simply relationship building exercises, this makes sense.

These exercises challenge you by asking you to examine yourself in the context of your relationship. Some people find that this is empowering. Others are overwhelmed by it, or they feel resentment if they don’t see their partner trying as hard to take personal responsibility.

The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country’s Foremost Relationship Expert by John Gottman and Nan Silver

What’s great:

If you’ve followed this blog for any length of time, you know that I’m happiest at the intersection of research and real life; I like to recommend evidence-based solutions that real families and couples can actually make work for them.

I love this book because I believe that it exists in that space. It offers practical advice for couples gleaned from years of research.

You’ve probably heard of Dr. Gottman; he has famously reported, based on years of researching real couples in his ‘love lab’, that he can predict with over 90% accuracy whether a couple will divorce.

The book is full of exercises and questionnaires to help make the information presented as relevant to you and your relationship as possible. I’ve known more than one couple to say they felt this book was written just for them.

What you might not love:

Honestly…I’m struggling to think of anything! From both my perspective and what clients have shared with me over the years, this book has no obvious flaws!

Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love by Sue Johnson

What’s great:

Many couples’ counselors practice Emotionally Focused Therapy, and this book is written by the creator of that therapeutic technique to make it more accessible to the general public.

Dr. Johnson helps couples understand how to see what it is that their partner is truly asking for in difficult times, which is often just to feel heard and understood. The focus of this book is on continually building emotional attachment to your spouse over a lifetime.

What you might not love:

The book relies on labels that some might consider ‘cutesy’ to introduce concepts (‘demon dialogs’, ‘hold me tight talk’, etc.).

Intimacy and Desire: Awaken the Passion in Your Relationship by David Schnarch

What’s great:

Couples raising kids with special needs are often exhausted. Intimacy of all sorts, including sexual intimacy, can suffer as result.

Don’t worry, this book offers way more than suggestions like, ‘have a regular date night’. The book makes clear that intimacy is not just about sex. This book suggests that couples must address the real reasons their relationship is struggling if the relationship is going to survive and thrive.

Dr. Schnarch is a big proponent of each person in the relationship taking accountability for the role they play in the relationship dynamics, and there are good exercises included for couples to use to battle through ‘emotional gridlock’ to rekindle passion of all kinds.

What you might not love:

To be clear, there is some explicit sexual language used in this book. Some find that this helps the book read less clinical and academic, while some are turned off by the graphic language. If you know that this would be distasteful for you, try another book on this list!

There you have it, my most often recommended books for couples raising kids with special needs who want to improve their relationship!

I would love to hear from you! Are there any books that I left off the list that you consider ‘Must reads’ for parents raising kids with disabilities who are struggling in their relationship, or who simply want to be better partners? Please recommend them in the comments!

Keep reading

Other posts you may be interested in