Counseling for special needs parents in Cary, NC and online

Raising a child with disabilities is truly exhausting. Certainly, there is physical exhaustion.

But the mental and emotional exhaustion is what really gets to most of my counseling clients who are special needs parents.

You can’t just have a fun day at the park or the zoo. You’re always scanning your child and the environment. Watching for things that might lead to a meltdown. Waiting to someone to say something unkind about your child’s appearance or behavior. There is never an outing where you’re not calculating an exit strategy or a Plan B.

It’s tiring, and often isolating, because sometimes its easier to miss out than to try to make it through.

Of course, the real mental anguish comes when you think about the future. It can feel like a no-win situation.

Sometimes you joke that your plan is to just live forever so that you can always care for your child. But deep down you know that you need to start making plans for what will happen when you can’t do this anymore.

And when you’re honest with yourself, you know that you can’t keep doing what you’ve been doing any more.

It’s starting to catch up with you. The lack of exercise, and sleep, and time for yourself, are starting to show. You’re irritable and anxious, and you can feel the physical effects of the stress you’ve been carrying in your body.

You’ve tried talking to your family and your friends, but it feels like they never really understand how hard it is.

Your child’s teachers and Doctors are no better. They want to give you ‘expert’ advice. But it can feel like they’re missing key information by not being more collaborative and hearing your perspective. Sometimes it even feels like your spouse doesn’t get how hard it is, or why you’re so stressed.

It’s not your fault

• fatigued
• irritable
• difficulty sleeping
• unable to concentrate
• have digestive issues
• chest pains
• trouble breathing

There’s hope for parents who are struggling raising kids with disabilities

The wonderful news is that it’s possible for you to find the balance that you’ve been looking for. Therapy will look different for each parent depending on their unique challenges. 

Here are some of the ways that I help special needs parents in counseling.

Developing self-care routines that you can stick to.

“I can’t do this anymore.” is the most common thing that I hear during a first session with a special needs parent. Most of them have tried to just hang on, hoping that something would give and that things would get easier. When they come to counseling, they have finally realized that they cannot predict or control what their child’s disability will mean in the future. They see that they can only continue to take care of their family by prioritizing caring for themselves.

I want to be very clear here. I KNOW how hard this change is to make. I know that there are very real reasons that some days it feels impossible to give yourself the time and attention that you need.

But I have seen the amazing emotional healing that is possible when this change happens. I know that developing self-care routines that work is the key to unlocking mental wellness for many special needs parents.

Fostering the communication skills and strength to advocate; for your child and yourself.

Special needs parents often come to counseling with horror stories. They feel they have been railroaded by a Doctor or teacher who wasn’t seeing the full picture when it came to their child.

Most of the parents I see for counseling talk about those times with remorse. They wish that they’d had the words and the courage to stand up for their child.

I help parents prepare for these tough moments. I engage them to consider their fears and ‘non-negotiable’s.

Together we find effective ways to ensure that their child is fully supported in school, at the Doctor’s office, and everywhere else.

Of course, many of the special needs parents I see in counseling also struggle with speaking up for themselves. They aren’t sleeping enough, they aren’t eating healthfully, they can’t find time to exercise…but when the PTA or a church committee asks if they can help with a time-consuming project, they find themselves saying “Sure!”.

I help parents who are stretched thin to reevaluate their priorities. I show them ways that they can kindly but firmly pass on projects and activities that they really don’t want to make time for.

Overcoming shame and guilt.

Raising a child who has disabilities can make you question everything you thought you knew about yourself. Most parents wind up feeling that they are not enough, or that they are doing something wrong.

I partner with parents to help them accept themselves as they are. I encourage them to live more authentically, and to overcome the trap of trying to please everyone.

Coping with anxiety.

I know the physical realities of special needs parenting. I love helping my parent clients find practical, actionable ways of managing their anxiety that ‘fit’ into their life.

Because the first step of many anxiety protocols is to find a calm and quiet space, but that isn’t always possible when your child has Autism, Down syndrome, or another disability.

If you’re raising a child with disabilities and considering counseling, you may still have some questions and concerns

Counseling sounds like a wonderful idea, but I just don’t have the time for it now.

Many special needs parents have fallen into a habit of ‘taking things one day at a time’. Usually, this feels more like living crisis to crisis.

I understand that introducing a new commitment sounds like trying to add water to a bucket that’s already overflowing.

Often parents want to believe that things will get better one day. The truth is that things only change when you’re willing to make changes.

Only you can decide if counseling is an investment of time that you’re willing to make. The special needs parents who I work with in therapy say that counseling helps them develop the communication, time management, and emotional coping skills that they need to effectively advocate for their child’s needs, and for their own.

I tried counseling in the past, but I feel like the therapist thought I was overdramatizing how hard it is to raise a kid with disabilities. How will this be different? 

I only work with people with disabilities and their family members. I have an intimate understanding of the challenges you face on a daily basis.

You’ll find that my style of counseling is a blend of sharing knowledge, strategies, and resources to help you change the things that aren’t working. I’ll also give you warm, empathic understanding as I join with you in grieving and accepting the things you cannot change. I know that for special needs parents to feel healed in counseling, both are necessary.

Related to this, you don’t need to worry about explaining all the acronyms when you’re in my office. So, if you tell me that you were late to your child’s IEP because they couldn’t find their AFO and you were upset because you didn’t have time to talk about modifying their BIP to make them eligible for GE…I know exactly what you’re talking about.

Many parents tell me that it’s a relief not to have to translate the language of special needs as they have with therapists in the past.

I don’t live near Cary, North Carolina. Can you still help me?

Possibly.

I am Board Certified in Telemental health, which is online therapy. Within the United States, laws around online therapy are usually established by the state that the client (not the counselor) lives in.

If you are in North Carolina, you are welcome to schedule an online session with me through my scheduling portal.

If you are outside of North Carolina, I invite you to read this blog post. In it, I share suggestions for finding a local counselor who understands disability.

I’ve taken a workshop with you in the past, can I still be your client?

Yes!

In fact, I would love to meet with you in a private, confidential setting to talk about your unique needs and challenges.

You should know that I am very active in the disability community here in Cary and the rest of the Triangle. It’s likely that you may see me again at a future conference or event.

In these cases, I take my clients’ confidentiality extremely seriously. I will never let on that I know you unless you initiate conversation with me, and even then, I will never disclose the nature of our relationship.

I know that my challenges aren’t going to ever ‘go away’, because my child will always be differently wired and have unique needs. Does counseling even make sense for me?

Most people are familiar with brief, solution focused therapy, the kind that lasts 6 or fewer sessions. Of course, we all know the movie trope of the person who is in therapy forever and relies on it to an unhealthy extreme.

For most special needs parents, neither of these are the reality.

What research indicates is that there is a perpetual living out of the grief cycle that happens for parents raising kids with disabilities.

I have seen this to be true for the parents I support. As your child approaches new developmental stages or life transitions, it can be easy to get overwhelmed by thoughts of where they should be. For many parents, this leads them to feeling shame and guilt.

They worry that they’ll never be the parent their child needs them to be.

For this reason, many special needs parents will come to counseling for a brief time. Then they can return as needed for a quick session or two when things get challenging. Some parents will book a session ahead of a milestone or event that they know will be tough.

I’m so glad to have found a therapist who understands I/DD. Will you work with me and my child?

I would love to say yes to this one, because I know how dreamy having one less therapist in your life probably sounds!

But I will only agree to see two family members for individual counseling in very rare circumstances. In most cases, I find that it’s in your best interest and your child’s for each of you to have your own therapist.

If you are in search of a therapist for both you and your child, I welcome you to reach out to me to discuss your needs. I will see whichever of you I am the best fit for, and will provide a referral to another therapist I trust for the other.

Can you tell me about the cost of counseling?

Information about my fees is available here. Just as counseling requires an investment of time, it is also a financial expense.  My clients who are parents raising kids with disabilities usually share that they feel my rates are fair. They appreciate that I bring with me into our sessions:

• Specialized training
• Professional experience
• Knowledge of community resources
• Understanding of how disability affects families