Counseling for caregivers whose partners have disabilities in Cary, NC

When your partner becomes disabled by a stroke, traumatic brain injury, or other medical event, everything changes in an instant.

Yesterday you were making long term plans for the future. Today you can barely keep your head above water, and thinking about the future is terrifying.

Your life is now a blur of appointments and therapies.

When you’re really honest with yourself, some days you question if your partner would be doing all of this for you if roles were reversed.

And speaking of roles, that’s the one thing you just can’t seem to figure out.

Your partner just wants to go back to the way things were. But you’re struggling to feel as carefree, relaxed, and intimate as you did before. Instead you feel like you’re constantly on alert, watching for signs that something might go wrong again.

It’s not your fault

It’s understandable that you feel a tremendously overwhelming mix of emotions right now. Gratitude that your spouse is still here, but grief for what they’ve lost, and what that means for your relationship.

Many of my clients who are caregivers for a disabled partner describe feeling like they’re in a fog. They can’t ever quite remember as much as they used to, or they struggle with problem solving in ways that they never did before.

Because your mental and physical energy is being diverted to your new care-giving role, it makes sense that you’ve lost some of the mental acuity and stamina that you had before.  But even understanding why this is happening doesn’t make it any more tolerable.

This feels like a time in your life when you need to be at your best, your most alert and sharp. Instead, you feel like you’re barely hanging on day to day.

It’s possible for you to feel better, even in this time of crisis

What research indicates, and what I can attest to from my experiences counseling caregivers, is that therapy can be a tremendous asset for both you and your partner as your family heals from this crisis.

Every client is unique. But these are some of the benefits that many of my counseling clients who are caregivers for a disabled partner have experienced in therapy.

Recognizing and dealing with unhelpful thinking patterns.

A major medical crisis like the one you’ve experienced is a traumatic event.

Your brain and body have become rewired to be ‘on alert’ because of how sudden and severe this crisis was. When this happens, your mind can fall into some common ‘traps’ of unhelpful thinking patterns.

When our core beliefs are inaccurate, we can easily become irritable, anxious, and depressed.

Understanding how to recognize and reframe the thoughts that contribute to your negative feelings may be one of the primary benefits that you get out of therapy.

Developing a self care routine…and sticking to it.

Probably everyone from your family to your partner’s Doctor is telling you that it’s important to take care of yourself right now.

As financial obligations, physical strain, and emotional exhaustion mount, it becomes really essential for you to treat yourself well.

If you’re anything like the clients I see for counseling who are caregivers, you smile and nod and say that you are doing fine.

Are you really, though?

Maybe sometimes you let a friend or family member spend time with your partner so that you can go for a walk or even just spend time alone wandering around the grocery store. But you know deep down that those brief moments alone aren’t really quality self-care.

There is a lot of talk about self care these days. Pinterest and glossy magazines would have you believe that it’s all about bubble baths and manicures.

I take a different approach.

I believe that real self-care, the kind that actually makes a difference, is about consistently devoting time and effort to the things that have a genuine impact on your mood and relationships.

Often times those things are boring, maybe even unpleasant. They are things like budgeting, time management, and being intentional in how and where you spend your time and energy.

Practical planning and resource connection.

When your partner needs constant or intense supervision, it can be overwhelming to navigate setting this up.

Many spousal caregivers especially worry that friends and family won’t understand or follow through with certain medical directives, and so they feel stuck being the sole caregiver.

In counseling, I help caregivers gain confidence in delegating care and supervision tasks to others by sharing with them the strategies and resources that have worked for many other families in the same situation.

Plus, with 20 years of experience working with people with disabilities in the Triangle region of North Carolina, I have lots of community resources to share that can help support your family at this critical time.

If you’re a caregiver for a disabled partner and you’re considering counseling, you may still have some questions

Counseling is for people who are mentally ill, and I’m not mentally ill.

I agree that you’re not mentally ill. You are probably an ordinary person who has been placed in extraordinarily difficult circumstances.

Counseling is effective in treating many mental health disorders. But it is also a valuable use of time for people like you, who are doing their best in a challenging and unfamiliar situation.

It’s understandable that you’d want support from someone who has helped many other people just like you to find balance and a way to thrive despite the immense pressure you face now.

At times I’ve had some really dark thoughts about my partner. I’ve definitely wished this didn’t happen, and I’ve wondered if I should leave them. Sometimes I find myself thinking that things would be easier if they hadn’t survived. Are you going to think I’m a horrible or homicidal person?

While they are uncomfortable, thoughts like these are actually very normal in response to a partner experiencing a major medical event and subsequent disability.

Part of our work together will be aimed at helping you to know that these thoughts are common.

Once these unwanted thoughts are demystified and understood as a normal crisis response, it’s easier to see that having them doesn’t make you a horrible partner or person.

Sometimes plans change, and I may need to bring my partner to sit in the waiting room if I can’t find coverage to support them. Is that OK?

I want to say yes to this one, but years of experience working with spousal caregivers has taught me that this is usually not a great idea.

Even though your partner can’t hear what’s going on in our session from out in the waiting room, I generally find that just knowing they’re out there prevents my caregiver clients from being fully present and authentic during our session.

Clients often cry in therapy, and appreciate having a moment to step into the bathroom to gain composure before leaving the office. When your partner is in the waiting room, you don’t have that extra moment to prepare to face the rest of the day.

While I do understand how difficult it is to be the primary caregiver for your partner, I would rather we reschedule for a time when you can really focus on therapy without worrying if your spouse can hear.

This is one of the reasons that I offer online therapy, for those times when getting to the office isn’t possible.

My partner and I are gay or otherwise identify as an queer couple. Is that going to be a problem for you?

Nope.

It doesn’t matter what gender anyone is; if you love someone who has experienced a disability, and are struggling with care-giving and need support, you’re in the right place.

How much is this going to cost? Will it be worth it?

Information about my rates is available here.

Money is often a source of strain after someone has become disabled. This is a time when it’s important to be sure that you’re spending wisely on things that are critical to your family’s health and healing.

Many of my clients who have a disabled spouse tell me that they are glad they chose to invest in their mental wellness during this time. They see that counseling equipped them to not just survive, but to thrive, during an exceptionally stressful time.