The special needs moms who I see for counseling often say that they want to create a self-care routine. But they feel powerless to do so.

It’s hard to get to the gym for yoga class at 6AM on Thursday when your child was in the ER having seizures until 2AM.

Spending an hour in the kitchen preparing a favorite family recipe means leaving your child with unstructured, unsupervised time. And that can spell disaster that no meal is worth.

You’d love to schedule some time to get pampered at the Umstead Spa. But isn’t it almost a guarantee that the minute you slip into your robe the school will call because your child has had a major meltdown?

Maintaining routines when you’re a special needs parent can feel impossible.

That’s why I suggest to my counseling clients that special needs moms can create self-care rituals when self-care routines are just too much. Keep reading to learn why.

What keeps special needs moms from creating self care routines?

When you’re a busy, exhausted, overwhelmed parent of a child with special needs, everyone reminds you to “take care of yourself”.  But this advice doesn’t feel practical or helpful.

Your child has unstable behavior and medical needs. There are more appointments to attend than you ever imagined were possible. You’ve got responsibilities at work, in your marriage, and as a parent to other kids.

Let’s not even talk about all the ‘extra’ demands that you place on yourself…taking on more than you can chew at your kid’s school ring a bell? How about reluctantly agreeing to join more church committees than you can manage? Let’s not forget draining relationships with friends or family members. You know the ones. They cry on your shoulder, leaving you feeling depleted, but never reciprocate by listening to your struggles.

At the end of the day you’re too mentally worn out to even imagine an activity that would feel restorative. Or, you’ll become frenzied trying to fit in all the things you’d love to be doing more of. Then you feel guilty that you wasted that precious ‘me’ time.

There are some routines that are non-negotiable in your life. I imagine that brushing your teeth is one of them. No matter how mentally and physically exhausted you are, you’ll always make time to brush your teeth twice a day.

But incorporating other, more time-consuming routines can feel un-doable.

You’d love to make time for exercise, friends, hobbies, volunteering, reading, finally training the dog, and so on. But there’s just not enough time for more routines. Not to mention that life often feels like you’re living just putting out fires. It’s frustrating to develop routines only to have an emergency sideline you.

That’s why I recommend rituals as self-care instead.

What’s the difference between a routine and ritual?

A routine is something you do habitually, usually almost automatically. Brushing your teeth, showering, sleeping and waking at regular times, going up the aisles in a familiar pattern at the grocery store. These are all routines. They give your days flow and give you a sense of security. You know exactly what to expect because of this predictability.

A ritual, on the other hand, is ceremonial, and not necessarily tied to daily activities. Weddings, funerals, graduations, and daily prayer are all rituals. These experiences connect us to our communities and societies. We acknowledge rites of passage during rituals. We use rituals to mark how things are changing.

How special needs moms can create self-care rituals when self-care routines are just too much

Consider the things that are difficult for you and your child.

Maybe it’s IEP meetings.

Maybe it’s doctor’s appointments where they must get vaccinations. Side note, if that’s a struggle be sure you read this post on 14 ways to minimize your child’s anxiety on medical appointments.

Perhaps it’s the end of the day when you tell your child to turn off YouTube and go to bed.

How could you mark these difficult transitions or events with something special?

If you never treat yourself to fancy coffee, perhaps you could treat yourself to a large latte before every IEP. Extra whipped cream, of course.

What if you promise your child that after every vaccination, you’ll take them to Pullen Park to ride the train?

Believe it or not, even the end of media time can become a cherished ritual for you and your child. What if you always cuddled and watched their favorite short video with them as the last video of the day?

Rituals can’t make up for routines

It’s true that we need both ritual and routine in our lives. But for moms who are struggling with getting into routines, sometimes its easier to incorporate some rituals into your day.

Successfully carrying out these rituals can help you feel less powerless to the chaos of being a special needs mom.

Even on days when seems nothing is going right (or maybe especially on those days), rituals can help. Rituals allow you brief, expected moments of peace and familiarity. It is a quick and easy ‘win’ at self-care. Hopefully after seeing that rituals are possible, you have the confidence and motivation to move forward into creating some self-care routines.

Taking care of yourself doesn’t have to be one more thing you can never quite get to or do right.

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