3 Risks of Not Talking to Your Counselor about Your Special Needs Parenting Struggles

Last weekend I was in the picturesque mountain town of Montreat, NC at the Happy Mama retreat. I spoke with the special needs moms who attended about things that moms of kids with disabilities do that feel good, but that might be draining them of joy and energy.

I shared with them findings from research as well as plenty of stories from my years offering counseling for special needs moms.

We talked about why it’s a trap to make it your goal to always be calm. We discussed the kinds of fatigue that special needs parents are especially prone to. And we dove into social media, and how to decide if it’s helping you or holding you back from forging authentic connections.

I also spoke about the first time I realized that special needs parents don’t always talk to their counselors about parenting struggles

Years ago, I was working with a teen client. Occasionally I would often check in with the teen’s mom between sessions.

I realized that our check-ins were becoming more about the mom’s challenges than about her child’s.

Knowing that the mom deserved to have her own dedicated listener to help her cope, I offered her the names of few counselors I trusted.

Surprised, she said to me “I have a counselor that I meet with.”

Flustered, I said “I’m so sorry, I didn’t realize that you were already talking with someone about parenting challenges, my apologies.”

She responded “Well, I don’t talk with my therapist about this stuff. They wouldn’t get it.”

This was the first time I had an exchange like this, but it was by no means the last.

As I shared this story with the retreat attendees, I saw it resonating with many in the room.

Moms were nodding along in agreement. Some of them bravely spoke up to pinpoint what made it hard to talk with a counselor about their struggles raising a child with special needs.

Why are special needs moms afraid of talking with their therapists about their kid with disabilities?

Of course, I can understand why it feels like taking a risk to talk about special needs parenting with a counselor.

There are scary things that can happen when you do. A counselor might misconstrue the ‘unforgiveable’ thoughts that all special needs parents have.

I reflected on this during my drive back to Cary, NC. I began to wonder if there are risks of NOT talking with your mental health counselor about your identity as a special needs parent.

What might the consequences of keeping quiet be? Could it be hurting you to not talk about challenges you face raising a child that the world doesn’t always accept or accommodate.

I realized there are 3 risks that you face if you choose not to talk to your counselor about your struggles raising a child with special needs

Not realizing how your ‘stuff’ is affecting your parenting

We all have stuff.

We engage counselors to listen to our stuff with an attentiveness that most people can’t sustain. We also spend time in counseling to hear the things that few people in our personal lives have the guts to say to us.

For instance, I work with many moms who are perfectionists at heart. They research, they color-code, they plan. They exist in a state of seeking information and mobilizing efforts based on what they’ve learned.

Often, these moms struggle with accepting the mess, ambiguity, and chaos that can come with raising a child with disabilities. These moms bravely acknowledge that their usual methods of dealing with challenges aren’t working. In fact, they often see that their perfectionism is what’s making it tough for them to accept the child they have.

Their vulnerability allows me to speak openly with them about why their go-to techniques are failing.

I get to help them see that what will help them the most will be to redirect their perfectionism.

I give them permission to stop trying to make everything ideal for their child, to make every moment a teachable moment.  Because sometimes, these perfectionist moms just need someone to tell them that it really is OK to allow things to unfold as they will.

I invite them to consider if maybe their new project should be finding acceptance. Not just tolerating, but embracing the mess and the uncertainty. And even the fear.

Not getting linked with the services and supports that could help you

Maybe there’s a support group for moms raising Autistic kids that you could join. Or a webinar about potty training kids with Down syndrome you could attend. Perhaps there’s a research study going on at the local University that your child might qualify for.

The list of potential resources that a counselor could connect you to is endless. But your counselor will never know to share them with you if they don’t know about your challenges related to special needs parenting.

You aren’t being truly vulnerable, which allows you to stay safe…but still stuck

Of course, everyone has secrets, even in the most open and trusting of relationships. I know that some things are just too hard to say out loud, even to someone who is caring and nonjudgmental.

But parents who avoid talking about a child with special needs are doing more than avoiding discomfort and shame. They’re often stuck in a belief that no one could possibly understand, let alone empathize or offer valuable support.

This thinking is at best unhelpful.  But usually it’s part of a larger story that parents tell themselves about raising a child with exceptional needs. In that story, parents often feel that they are inept and alone.

When you don’t talk about your struggles, you don’t risk hearing from a therapist how other parents coped with their challenges. You don’t get presented with research that challenges your beliefs. Say, for example, that self-care is a luxury, and not something essential that could benefit their child as well.

So, in a way, not talking about raising a special needs child in therapy is a way of keeping safe.

If you don’t talk about it, then you never have to articulate what’s not working. And if you never talk about what’s not working, then you never feel that internal push to rethink your old habits, and to make changes, scary as that is.

It’s the old conundrum; do you stick with the pain you know, or risk an unknown that might be worse?

Summary

Of course, only you can decide if it’s worth the risk to be fully open and honest with a counselor about what makes parenting your child hard.

But, as someone who’s celebrated with many moms who have risked the unknown and found it brought them peace and acceptance, I hope you will consider it.

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