I have met with many special needs moms for counseling who get up obscenely early in the morning (we’re talking in the 3-4am range). They arise at this early hour so that they can drink their coffee or run or practice yoga before their family is awake.

They try to call it their self-care time, but I won’t let them.

I won’t let these early morning activities pass for self-care. Because when I ask them if this is when they would do this activity if their child didn’t have special needs, the answer is no. Every time.

These women are choosing to give up precious sleep to squeeze this activity in so that it doesn’t disrupt their child’s daily activity schedule. Leaving their spouse alone with responsibility for their child just causes more anxiety. They don’t want to feel guilty about hiring a sitter or a respite worker so they can take a walk.

I suggest to them that the thing that they’re doing is valuable. So valuable that they should be able to do it at a more civilized time of day. I challenge them to see that how they’re choosing to do this activity isn’t very respectful of how important it is to their mental wellness. So, I say, it can’t really be called self-care.

Not to make it sound like special needs parents corner the market on missing some fundamentals of what self-care really is.

There are some common misconceptions about what makes self-care work.

I see more and more lists these days on Pinterest and elsewhere promoting self-care. These lists have catchy titles like:

101 things to try when you’re stressed
Or
12 things you MUST do before 7am to be the best YOU possible

The trouble with these lists is that they’ve missed a few key elements of what makes self-care functional.

Self-care isn’t so much about what you do . It’s more about having a mindset that doing something just for you, consistently, in a way that works for you, is important and a valuable use of your time.

I have amassed a lot of literature that supports this over the years. Here’s one such study, published in the journal Pediatrics in 2014.. This study observed moms of kids with Autism who attended a peer-mentor led group focusing on either Mindfulness or Positive psychology. While the Mindfulness group found greater effects, enrollment in either group correlated with improvements in both depression and anxiety. This was true even at a 6 month follow up.

The take home message?

What’s most important is that you choose to do something to help yourself feel better. What you choose to do is secondary.

So, what else do special needs moms miss about self-care? How can special needs moms take better care of themselves?

Self-care must be meaningful and restorative to YOU

What’s meaningful to you depends on what you value. 

A new mom might be feeling exhausted and miss her ‘old self’, and crave an opportunity to connect with friends. Her friends rally around her, insisting they’ll take her out for a girls’ night. But what if this new mom is also highly introverted, and feels the most connected in 1:1 meetings? For her, a night out dancing with friends at a loud club is not going to be restorative and energizing. It will leave her feeling more exhausted and out of tune with herself.

This new mom didn’t consider her own personal factors. She is introverted and that she prefers devoting herself to one friend at a time. An evening tucked into a comfy chair in the corner of a cozy coffee shop and chatting with one good friend would likely have been a much better choice for her precious self-care time.

Self-care doesn’t happen in a vacuum

A friend of mine has only had one massage in his life, at an airport. He has described the massage therapist as smelling so badly of cigarette smoke that he could feel nicotine being rubbed into his pores with every roll of her thumb.

Ick.

The masseuse apparently also talked at length about her own struggles in relationships and with money. In short, it was NOT a relaxing experience for my poor friend! He hasn’t written off the idea of ever getting another massage, but I believe he will be much more discerning about the skills and reputation and location of the masseuse if there’s ever a next time!

Sure, a massage can be a meaningful way to give our minds a rest and to heal our bodies. But a massage in a harried airport terminal delivered by a noxious, tense, talkative masseuse? Unlikely to be relaxing.

When selecting self-care, be mindful of the spaces you’re entering and the professionals you’re engaging with. Make sure they really are what’s best for you.

Self-care must be consistent

For self-care to work, it must be consistent.

If you don’t have confidence that you’ll have this opportunity again to paint or to cook or to dance, you will fritter away this precious time worrying about ‘fitting it all in’.

Instead, imagine knowing that you will revisit whatever it is that rejuvenates you again very soon. Now you free yourself to simply enjoy the moment as its happening. You don’t need to fit everything in, because you know you’ll be back at in again in no time.

My best tip to ensure consistency in your self-care routine? Never allow one self-care activity to end without having the next two planned and scheduled.

Self-care must be guilt free

True self care must be guilt free, with no strings attached. Otherwise, you’re simply trading one type of stress for another.

I saw a meme once along the lines of ‘All’s fair in self-care…until my husband gets the credit card statement!’.

Obviously this is a joke, but it hints at something important.

If you cannot be authentic about all aspects of your self-care then you haven’t truly committed to the belief that it’s critical yourself. This includes communicating the financial and time cost of it to your spouse and family. Yes, even if this means that your spouse will need to be responsible for your special needs child while you take time for self-care.

If you believe deep down that your self-care is essential, you wouldn’t feel the need to hide it, because you wouldn’t feel guilty about it.

It would feel as basic to your routine and your health as brushing your teeth. You don’t ask permission or apologize for brushing your teeth, do you?

Of course you don’t.

You don’t because you don’t feel guilty about it, you feel good about it.

I believe that this is the thing that most special needs moms miss about self-care. Hopefully, this post encourages you to see that your biweekly massage or daily journaling is just as critical to your health as your nightly tooth brushing.

Keep reading

Other posts you may be interested in